As humans, it’s normal that we question choices we made and wonder what would or could have been if we had made a different choice. At what point do we stop doing this? At what point do we reflect on the choices we make and confidently move forward without questioning?
Usually, when we start asking ourself that question and dream of the “could have beens”, it is because we are unhappy with our current circumstances and/or regretting choices we made in the past that led us to this moment.
When life happens and things don’t go as planned, it’s easy to find yourself stuck in the “what if’s”. Divorce, moving to a new place, unplanned pregnancy, a loss of a loved one, loss of a friendship, losing a job, the list could go on. Although, not all things that happen are by our own doing and just part of life, it can still lead us down the road to “what if”.
As someone with OCD who also struggles with anxiety and depression, obsessing over the “what if’s” was a daily occurrence for me and sometimes still is. Honestly, living in the “what if’s” gave me comfort. It was a reality that was not my own and I wanted to live there.
I spent YEARS living there.
Not only was this unhealthy, I was making myself miserable. I wasn’t able to find joy in my life because I told myself that the joy was in the “what if’s”. A reality that was impossible to live in.
One day, I was fed up with myself. I was unhappy and constantly looking for and focusing on the negatives instead of the positives. I had lost my ability to see the good in my life. I couldn’t keep living like that and once I started shifting my mindset and pulling myself out of this pit of “what if’s” I put myself in, my perspective completely shifted.
What happens when you stop living in the “what if’s”?
Well first, you realize how much of your life you missed out on. The many moments that slipped by you that you were too unhappy to see. Coming to this realization sucked. Oh it was such a punch in the gut and guilt rushed through my entire body.
As painful as that was to realize, I needed that. I needed that punch in the gut to wake up, to wake up and realize that I am MISSING OUT on life right in front of my eyes. I’m missing out on all the little moments.
Second, you will feel uncomfortable. You will feel like you don’t know how to live in the moment anymore because the truth is, you haven’t been for a while. As uncomfortable as it can feel at times, find a way to settle in it. Soak it all in and ground yourself in the discomfort. I promise that will pass.
Three, you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders. I didn’t realize how heavy the “what if’s” were until I started letting them go. The more I was able to release the questions and doubts of my past, the lighter I started to feel.
Lastly, you will start to feel the joy come back. You will appreciate the little things in life so much more and will look forward to what life has in store for you. We cannot be the best versions of ourselves when we are holding on to an old version. We grow and evolve as life moves and when you stop living in the “what if’s” you can look back on our life and give your old self compassion, your current self love and understanding and look forward to your future self with excitement.
Here is my gentle reminder to stop living your life in the “what if’s”. Your life isn’t waiting for you there. Your life is happening right now. I’m talking to myself when I say this and if you are someone who does this too, well I am talking to you too.
I think this process will be different for everybody but if I can offer a piece of advice, talk to somebody. Whether that’s with a trusted friend or therapist, talking to someone and getting it all of your chest, is a good place to start.
Let’s chat about it!
Are you stuck in the “what if’s”?
What are some steps you took to get out of them?
What are things you realized and noticed within yourself when you stopped living in the “what if’s”?
